Exact Sciences Acquired by Abbott: What's the Deal?

Abbott Buys Exact Sciences: Because Apparently, We're Curing Cancer Now?

Oh, great, another corporate "synergy" announcement. Abbott, the folks who bring you diabetes monitors and baby formula, are buying Exact Sciences, the Cologuard people, for a cool $21 billion. Because apparently, mergers and acquisitions are how we fight cancer now? I'm sure the shareholders are thrilled.

The press release is, offcourse, dripping with the usual corporate BS. "Transform cancer care," "advance earlier detection," "optimize treatment." Give me a break. It's all about the bottom line, folks. Let's be real.

The Cancer Industrial Complex

They're touting Exact Sciences' "market-leading Cologuard® and Oncotype DX® tests." Cologuard, the at-home poop test that everyone loves to talk about at dinner parties. And Oncotype DX, which tells you if chemo is really necessary for breast cancer patients. Which, okay, that one's actually useful.

But then they throw in "cutting-edge liquid biopsy tests for multi-cancer early detection." Cancerguard™, anyone? Detects 50 types of cancer from a blood draw? Sounds like a miracle, doesn't it? Too good to be true, maybe?

And here's the kicker: "Acquisition will be immediately accretive to Abbott's revenue growth and gross margin." Translation: this deal is going to make Abbott a lot of money.

They say, "Together, the companies will accelerate innovation, expand access to life-changing diagnostics, and help more people detect and manage cancer at its earliest, most treatable stages." I mean, come on. Is anyone actually buying this?

Like, are we supposed to believe that Abbott, a company that’s been around since 1888, suddenly cares about eradicating cancer now that there's a profit motive involved? What were they doing before? Just twiddling their thumbs?

Follow the Money... and the Poop

Exact Sciences is projected to rake in over $3 billion this year. $3 billion from selling poop tests and genetic screenings. Not bad for a company that started in a basement, I assume.

And Abbott's diagnostics sales will jump to over $12 billion annually after this deal closes. That's a lot of tests. A lot of worried people. A lot of potential for overdiagnosis and overtreatment. According to the Abbott to acquire Exact Sciences, a leader in large and fast-growing cancer screening and precision oncology diagnostics segments press release, the acquisition aims to expand access to life-changing diagnostics.

Kevin Conroy, the CEO of Exact Sciences, is staying on in an "advisory role." You know, to "support the transition." Which I'm sure involves a hefty severance package and a golden parachute. Good for him, I guess. He played the game and won. But what about the rest of us?

Okay, stepping away from the cynicism for a second. Maybe, just maybe, this acquisition will lead to some actual breakthroughs in cancer detection and treatment. Maybe Abbott's resources and global reach will help get these tests to the people who need them most. Maybe… but I doubt it.

I'm suddenly reminded of the time I got stuck behind a tour bus full of retirees on a back road in Wisconsin. The smell of stale coffee and Bengay was overwhelming. I swear, that's what this whole thing smells like: a lot of money chasing a problem that's way more complicated than any corporate merger can solve.

So, What's the Endgame?

The press release ends with the usual forward-looking statements and disclaimers. "Risks and uncertainties," "possible inability to consummate the proposed transaction," "potential adverse effects." You know, the stuff lawyers make them say.

But what about the real risks? The risk of putting profits over patients? The risk of overhyping unproven technologies? The risk of turning cancer care into just another commodity to be bought and sold on the stock market?

We're All Just Lab Rats Now